Recently a new friend of mine learned that I had been a church planter and that our church closed. He asked me a question that I have not stopped thinking about since. He said something to this effect, “And you escaped with your faith intact?” It was a harmless question. I think in some ways he was joking. But having also been a minister himself, I’m sure he knows examples of people that were not so fortunate. I know I know such people. I have friends that have not only stopped ministering after a spiritual trauma, but in some cases, they have walked away from their faith. So, my friend’s question was fair. The answer is a simple “yes”. The title of this post gives the how of the “yes”.
How I maintained my relationship with Jesus is much more involved than the simple “yes” answer indicates. The short list of things I will mention here are only part of the story. In time I will write about all of it because the how of my “yes” includes darkness and light.
I liken the grief of the last two years to the grief experienced in the loss of a close loved one. I knew I was hurting. In time, I even knew I was grieving, though I was numb to that at first. In 20+ years of serving as a pastor I have seen grief destroy relationships and people. I knew I was exposed. I felt exposed. I was deeply wounded.
Back to the stickers. Thanks to many years of great training and living as a practitioner, in my woundedness there were two constants that have sustained my faith. One, is the Bible and the other is worship… both were intentional choices.
I’m not going to make this rosier than it has been. There were days that I do not even remember what I read. There were moments that reading the Bible was little more than a spiritual exercise. I wasn’t faking it. I just did what I knew. I believed then and now that the very words of Scripture are life-giving and powerful. I knew that even if I didn’t feel it, eventually this book and these words were able to revive my soul. And they are doing just that.
This one was even more difficult because much of worship involves the emotions. And when I was feeling numb, sad, and angry I was not favorably dispositioned to worship. I told another friend recently that I had even tried to be angry with God, but could not… because I know who and what he is. I can remember weeks where I stood in church and just listened to the words being preached and sung. Especially during the music I can remember contemplating the meaning of the lyrics and just weeping in the middle of the service. I knew none of this was God’s fault. Declaring his worth helped pull me out of my nose dive.
So, no, the stickers themselves did not save my spiritual life, but I do believe my choosing the Scripture and worship did.